The Field
by heartbrokenhappiness
Summary: Andromeda walks the fields behind her home night after night, wading through past ghosts and memories...   published at HPFF as propertyoftheHBP, we're one and the same. Semi-songfic to Mason Jennings' "The Field."


**I'd first like to note that the italicized quote on finding joy in life and ecstasy is from Emily Dickenson. The lyrics of the song in bold are from "The Field" by Mason Jennings. And of course, Harry Potter is not mine.**

**And this IS posted at harrypotterfanfiction(dot)com under the penname "propertyoftheHBP"...that's me, I promise. I just didn't want that name here on because I'm not writing any HP stories, just bringing a few of my own favorites over for your feedback. ;)**

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**Sometimes late at night I go the field**

**Is that where you are? Are you a shooting star?**

**Can you say my name? Darling can you hear me?**

**Tell me where's your heart now that it stopped beating?**

Andromeda Tonks pushed the window up and stuck her head out, feeling the wind strike her face sharply, as though it was a whip. It was so cold and frigid, yet as Andromeda left her grandson's bedroom, the one-year-old sound asleep, she kept the window open. She was going outside and wanted to be able to hear him if he screamed-and he had blankets, he wouldn't freeze.

She walked down the steps to the first floor of her home, hearing her footsteps echo throughout the quiet and dark house as she moved along. She walked through the kitchen to the back door, turning the old brass knob and pushing the door open.

Andromeda was barefoot, clad in nothing but a dressing gown, and felt the sting of it as she stepped onto the pressed dirt, colder than the air itself. She shut the door behind her, hearing it slam and hoping that it would not wake Teddy.

Teddy. The name stung in her mind, as it always did. Her late husband's name had been Ted as well, and there were times like now when she couldn't bear the grief anymore and had to get away. She couldn't pinpoint one thing that she was getting away from, for it was a whole host of reasons. All Andromeda knew was that she never truly escaped her heartbreak, whether she was walking on an old dirt path away from her home or sitting in a rocking chair in her grandson's bedroom.

Andromeda felt the moist dirt squish between her toes as she continued on, now about one hundred meters from her house. She brought her eyes off of the ground and saw the wheat field looming in front of her, stretching endlessly to the dark and twinkling horizon.

This was not the first time Andromeda had walked up to and into the rows of crops in the night. There was something about walking and walking and walking, her feet stepping into the same footprints every time, watching the plants grow by the week, that was calming. It calmed her as much as someone who had recently been widowed and was now childless could be calmed, at least.

Andromeda walked forward, the freezing cold wind blowing her hair every which way. She wrapped her arms around her chest, holding her bathrobe close to her body, though the skirt of it still whipped around her legs. _Like a ghost_, she remarked to no one but herself.

A ghost. She was not a ghost, however, and neither were her husband nor daughter. They had moved on and were likely laughing and having a great and grand ball of a time elsewhere in another universe. And here Andromeda was, walking the same path and thinking the same thoughts night after night.

She felt as though the wound in her heart was still as gaping open as it had been a year ago-she had things that were left unsaid sitting between her and her daughter, she had confessions, apologizes, more than one "I love you" to make.

She had at least been able to say goodbye to Ted-he had left their home to go into hiding, he had run off at her insistence to save his life. Clearly, it had not worked. Those last moments with him before he had turned on the spot with a _crack_ kept replaying in her head, over and over.

_Andromeda hustled Ted down the stairs, moving towards the back door._

_"You're not running away, you're keeping yourself safe," she told him for the millionth time, horrified at the idea that he would even consider staying when he was at risk._

_"'Dromeda, I can't leave," he protested yet again, trying to go back through the kitchen entryway but found it blocked by his wife._

_"Take it and go, please," she begged, holding out a small suitcase in her hands._

_He pushed the suitcase back into her embrace, shaking his head firmly. "You're asking me to_ run away. _And how, exactly, do you think I can say yes to that with a clear conscience? I can't leave you or Dora, not to mention the entire Wizarding World to fall to You-Know-Who while I'm off camping in the woods!"_

_Anger flashed in Andromeda's face for a brief second before it was replaced with a heart wrenching sadness. "I'm not asking you to run away." She paused for a moment and Ted jumped in._

_"Don't you dare say you're 'telling me to', Andromeda."_

_"No! I was going to say that I'm not asking you to run away, I'm asking you to do the right thing and protect yourself. I'm asking you to protect all of us, all right? Think about it. If you leave, I can…" Andromeda was mentally grasping for ideas that would make Ted convinced that he was leaving for the good of his family, not just for him._

_"If you leave, I can make it known. I'll tell people how sad and depressed I am that my husband had to go into hiding because of his blood status. If I drop it to someone at Mungo's, others will overhear me for sure-who knows who they'll be. Word will get around within the Wizarding community in hours. Merlin knows that with the corruption as it is today, someone connected to You-Know-Who will hear it, and they'll know that you're not at home with me."_

_Ted blinked at her, trying to register what she had said, for it had been one breath. "But…what if they think I'm staying with Dora and Remus? Then they'll go after them."_

_Andromeda sighed. "No, they won't, Ted. They're not stupid and they know that you're not either."_

_"They'll hunt you all down, though…" he said softly. "They'll torture you and make you tell them where I am, even if you don't even know."_

_Andromeda stood high, attempting and succeeding at putting on a confident air. "Do not flatter yourself, Ted Tonks. That's what they'll be doing to people like Hermione Granger's family and friends-they have priorities, and you are not at the top of that list." She could only hope that this was true._

_He took a deep breath. "I…I should go now, then, eh?"_

_Andromeda nodded and offered the suitcase to Ted again, this time meekly. He took it._

_"I love you. Tell Tonks I love her. Tell Remus that I wish him the best of luck with everything. Tell…" And now he faltered as they both started walking closer to the door leading outside to the howling wind._

_"When he comes, tell that baby that I can't wait to meet him."_

_Andromeda nodded again and turned the handle on the door, opening it a crack. "Take care, Ted." Tears sprang to her eyes as the door swung open and out of her grasp. "I love you."_

_He kissed her quickly, and stepped outside. "Goodbye, 'Dromeda. Love you."_

_"Goodbye," Andromeda whispered._

_Ted turned his back to the house and walked out into their field of crops until Andromeda could barely see him. A few seconds later, she heard a faint and distant_ crack, _and she knew he was off._

_Andromeda stood in the open doorway for hours that night, feeling the wind race into and out of the house, watching the short, stubbly stalks of wheat brush along each other with each gust. She finally closed the door, once again murmuring, "Goodbye."_

Andromeda blinked as the memory passed through her mind, leaving as quickly as it came. _Ted._

She had wanted to die herself when she'd heard the news through Remus that he'd been captured and killed by Death Eaters. The only reason she had the will to keep living as though nothing had changed was for Tonks' sake and, at the time, the baby's.

Andromeda wouldn't lie to herself, even if she did to the rest of the world. If she had the choice, she would trade little Teddy to have Ted and Tonks back. She also couldn't deny that she had found no time to grieve over Remus-how could she, when her own daughter and husband had disappeared off the face of the earth?

She would trade Teddy for only Ted. She would trade Teddy for only Tonks. It sounded horrible and made her seem like a heartless grandmother, but it was true. Andromeda had known Teddy for a year but it seemed like she had known Ted and Tonks for her entire lifetime, even if she hadn't been with them for that long. Perhaps someday she wouldn't feel that way, but Andromeda could only focus on right then, standing in worn footprints in the middle of a vast and empty field.

She hadn't even asked for Teddy, or Remus, for that matter. The werewolf had come into their lives so randomly-she had barely known who he was before Tonks had come home crying about his supposed stupidity. Once they were married, Tonks had left home to live with him and before Andromeda had had time to grasp that revelation, she had learned that Tonks was with child.

Andromeda had then entered into months of worrying and fear that the child would be a werewolf like his father and would eat Tonks from the inside out. Andromeda had woken up countless nights in a cold sweat, having horrible nightmares-Ted had finally forced her to see a Healer and be prescribed a Sleeping Draught.

The baby had come in due time, and Andromeda was never so relieved in her life. Teddy had taken after his mother, his hair switching colours every ten seconds. Andromeda had loved that baby so much, despite his name, for the little time that she had been able to spend with both he and Tonks.

Of course, things had to change. Tonks snuck out one night and an anguished visit from Molly Weasley a few hours later, Andromeda learned that she had gone to the ultimate battle at Hogwarts-and had not made it out of the castle, unless being carried out in a coffin counted. Remus had suffered the same fate, for that matter.

All she had now was the responsibility of a child and a broken heart. She remembered her old saying that she had told her husband and daughter many times in the past, inspired by her own life with them: _"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough."_

She had finally been able to live simply shortly after she ran off with Ted and had broken away from her wretched, unspeakable family. They had made a living here, on this very land, Andromeda working as a receptionist at St. Mungo's, Ted working as a handyman. They both worked on the crops together, using both magical and Muggle means of farming. Tonks came along in time and everything was perfect.

Then, she was far more than content with her life and had very little else to gripe about. She could live simply, happily, and take joy from living and being alive alone.

How was she supposed to do that now? What good could she draw from such a hellish life? She woke up, cared for Teddy, went to sleep, cared for Teddy. Andromeda was stuck in a rut that she knew she couldn't get out of. She had to be a mother twice over and this time she had to do it on her own. All she wanted was to be a mother to Tonks again.

Andromeda raised her head to the sky in an attempt to blink back the tears that were leaking from her eyes.

Andromeda had never called Tonks 'Tonks' to her face. She had staunchly stuck to the argument that if she named her daughter a name-be it Nymphadora or Mary-she would address her daughter by said name. Now she wanted nothing more than to call Tonks by her chosen name just once, so her daughter would know that Andromeda accepted her.

Andromeda had been unaccepted by her family herself and she now realized that she had done the same to her own daughter, even if it was in a much smaller measure. She hadn't encouraged or supported Tonks' individuality as much as she should have and she knew that Tonks had been closer to her father because of it.

And that was Andromeda's biggest regret of all; she hadn't been the mother that Tonks deserved. She hadn't been a horrible mother-oh, no, Andromeda had seen far worse parenting. But she hadn't been the best, either, and Andromeda would never forgive herself for it.

Pulling out of her self-depreciating thoughts, Andromeda looked at the stars twinkling softly in the sky. They were a sharp contrast to the still-gale-like wind, which had rendered Andromeda's feet near numb. She continued to walk down the field, not even noticing when she stepped on a sharp rock or nearly tripped over a dip in the ground.

Memories of Tonks began flashing through her mind so fast that she couldn't even register them.

_"What should we call her?" Ted asked, holding a newborn baby girl in his arms._

_"Nymphadora, I think," Andromeda responded. As if on cue, the baby began to wail, until-_

_"-Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! Lookie at what I found!" a young girl around the age of four or five yelled to her mother, bringing a toad into the house._

_"Nymphadora! What did I say about dragging vermin in with-"_

_"-MUM! DAD! It's here!" a girl younger than thirteen with bright blue hair called down the staircase of her home._

_"Your Hogwarts letter?" Andromeda asked, breathless with excitement, clinging to her husband's shoulder as the girl read her coveted letter out loud-_

_"-It's wonderful to meet you, too, Charlie. We've heard many things about you, never a day goes by during the summer without Nymphadora bring up some escapade the two of you have gotten yourselves into."_

_"Who's Nymphadora?" the red-haired boy who had been addressed by Andromeda asked with a look of interest on his face._

_"Oh, her, she's…she's my cousin! Yup, my cousin, she stays with us for the summers, it's no big deal, really-"_

_"-An Auror? My Dora? I'm so proud! I knew you could do it, sweetie!" Ted exclaimed to his daughter's head that was sticking out of their fireplace._

_"I'd never have believed it, after seeing your O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s!" Andromeda declared, a look of joy and pride upon her face. "My Nymphadora, an-"_

_"-The what? You're joining the _Order of the Phoenix? _Why? Nymphadora, really, have you thought on this?" Andromeda shrieked as her daughter stood in the doorway of their home, about to leave._

_"As much as I've thought on anything, Mum. I have to."_

_"You _don't. _You can help fight in other ways, you can't just-"_

_"-Sweet, don't cry. He'll come around, no man can resist your spunk and charm." Ted consoled his daughter, stroking her unusually drab and dark brown hair._

_"You're better off without him, Nymphadora, he's baggage, that's all, baggage."_

_"I. Don't. Care!" the girl, now in her early- to mid-twenties sobbed, blowing her nose on a handkerchief loudly. "I. Want. Remus! He feels the same way, he's told-"_

_"-Pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Tonks," Remus Lupin greeted Ted and Andromeda, his arm wrapped tightly around their daughter's waist._

_"Same to you, my boy, same to you. We've heard quite the lot about you, I have to say…" Ted trailed off, leading the way into the parlour._

_"I'm sorry, when were you at Hogwarts? I know Nymphadora mentioned that a while ago, but I seem to have forgotten," Andromeda asked dazedly._

_"He was after you, Mum, and-"_

_"-He's gone!" Andromeda wailed into her daughter's arms._

_Tears streaming down her own cheeks, her daughter answered, "Sshh, Mummy, sshh…"_

_"I didn't-you-I should have-why?"_

_"It'll be okay, Mum I promise-"_

_"-Ted Remus Lupin. Named after both his father and grandfather," Remus handed a chubby little baby into Andromeda's arms and she immediately began cooing over him._

_"Oh…oh, my, he's just…" she trailed off, at a loss for words._

_"Perfect, I know," her daughter responded, now a mother herself._

_"Perfect, he's just perfect-"_

_"-I'm so sorry." Molly Weasley embraced Andromeda in the dead of night, having shown up at her doorstep with no previous warning or reason._

_Though Andromeda had never been particularly close to the woman, she fell into the hug gratefully, willing this to be a dream._

_Nymphadora…gone._

Andromeda withdrew from her memories once again and began sobbing full on now. She slowly sank to her knees, unable to stand up with the grief and pain coursing throughout her body. She was still looking at the sky, wondering what she ever did to deserve such a harsh life. Nothing could ever be perfect, could it? When things were starting to look good, something else had to come along. _Oh, God…_

She started breathing so fast and hard that she thought she was about to be sick to her stomach. She couldn't take it anymore, and the starlight started blurring in her vision. Andromeda felt as though she was about to faint. When she did, no one would find her, she'd wither away to nothing, all alone in this blasted field, and she wouldn't be found until Harry came by to see Teddy, maybe she'd even be dead.

Andromeda was hunched over herself, her head between her knees and trying to calm herself when she heard the cry. Teddy was awake and needing something.

She managed to slow her breathing and stand up, though her legs were still wobbly. She turned around and began walking back towards the house slowly, her moment of sheer panic over. Teddy continued to howl and the more noise he made, the less the wind did. She stepped into her footsteps going back, though it was an awkward sort of footstep-heel to toe, toe to heel. Andromeda remarked upon how strange the sensation was. Her feet were warming back up.

The weather began to calm down and Andromeda was able to open the door to the house again without struggle. As she climbed the stairs, Teddy's howl turned into a quiet whimper.

"Ssshh, here, baby." Andromeda found herself comforting Teddy as she had always done for Tonks. She picked up the baby and held him in her arms, rocking him back and forth slowly.

After what Andromeda suspected was the beginning of her own fall to insanity outside, it was a comfort to be near any living person, even if he was partially the cause of her woes.

Teddy opened his eyes and looked straight at his grandmother, his hair flushing a bright pink. "Gaahhooowaa…" he cooed softly.

Tonks had almost always kept her hair pink. Andromeda stroked his head, making baby noises back to him. She sat in the rocking chair, the rhythm soothing herself as much as it did him.

Tonks and Ted were long gone and they always would be. Andromeda knew that she would likely never feel fully whole again. However, sitting and rocking Teddy as she did just then, she was able to seize the joy from the moment and, perhaps, begin to live again.

**It's right here, it's right here, it's right here**

**And it will always be until the sun dries the ocean**

**And you will always be my little one**

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**This is one of my most favorite things I've ever written...please tell me what you think! :-)**


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